Russian Dolls
by Cari Marie
Summary: I've always watched him. His presence calms me and soothes my weary soul. I am to be an assassin and sacrifice. I feel like one of those little Russian dolls, a person inside of a person inside of a person. No one ever sees beneath the first layer. Slash!


Hey Guys, This fic is a quite a bit more angsty than my first one. I think it has a cute ending but it's still not all sunshine and bubbles. Anyways, I hope everyone enjoys it!

-Dedicated to Minxie (the­_minx_17 from LJ) who has posted some wonderful rare slash pairings that inspired me to write this fic.

Warning: Slash (contains homosexuals)

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story. They are owned by JKRowlings.

Russian Dolls

I have always watched him. I don't think he's ever noticed, but I do. Sometimes I don't think anyone notices me, even though they're always watching. I feel like one of those little Russian dolls, a person inside of a person inside of a person. I feel like I'm wrapped in so many layers and that no one ever sees beneath the first one.

xoxo

When I watch him, I like to just look at his face. It's not important what his hands or feet are doing. His face says it all. It's like watching the ocean; it's always changing. Happiness, anger, jealously, contentment, boredom, exhaustion, excitement; they all roll across his face like waves.

It took me a long time to understand his emotions. He hides them well. That was what first attracted me to him. He seems like a stone wall, never ruffled by anything. Never exposing useless things like his feelings. But I learned; I found the key to his façade.

xoxo

I never get enough time to observe him. I am limited fleeting glances of him. I only really see him in classes, the corridors and the Great Hall. Maybe that's why I get such abysmal grades. Why would I listen to a professor when I have more interesting things to do? I already know everything I need to survive, everything else is simply expendable.

Sometimes, when I don't see enough of him, I seek him out and watch him in secret. Sometimes I wonder if this makes me a stalker. I don't think so. I imagine myself to be in love with him. What else do you call such an intimate knowledge and appreciation of another? I know that he hates lima beans but adores sweet corn. I know that he dislikes potions, even though he excels at it. I know that he is fascinated with divination and spends his private time studying it even though he doesn't take it. It would soil his reputation. I know that he is terrified of rodents and finds birds disgusting. I know him better than he knows himself.

But that's not what makes me love him. I love him because he cares for the first years, albeit discreetly. Because he holds them when they are sad and scared, and encourages them in everything. I love him because even behind that cold mask, he can't stand to hear a girl cry. On more than one occasion I've caught him caring for and soothing a distraught maiden, like a knight in shining armor. I wish he would sooth me when I am lonely and sad; when I feel overwhelmed by fate's demands.

xoxo

When I daydream, I fantasize that he watches me too; that he loves me as much as I love him. I want to have someone love me someday. I worry, though, that I won't live long enough for that to happen. But that dream keeps me pushing, keeps me from giving up, even when it seems as if the whole world is against me. I wonder what my friends would say if I told them that my life-line was another man.

xoxo

A man; how surprising it was to me when I feel in love with a man. I took me hours and hours of contemplation to understand and accept my feelings. I determined that love is love. The gender is not the important part; it is the heart and soul that matter.

His heart and soul are beautiful. They sooth my heart and bring light to my dreary life. I feel better when I see him; he gives me hope for a better future. He is proof that all things are tarnished and decayed. Do not get me wrong, he is tainted. I don't think it is possible to live in this day and age and not be tainted. But he is still strong, still kind.

I can't help but wonder sometimes: am I decaying? I know I am tainted. I am beyond tainted; I have been poisoned. I _feel_ like I'm decaying, like I am being eaten from the inside out. I worry that I will soon cease to be anything but a shell. I worry that there will be nothing left but the false smiles and the insincere laughter.

Everything in life is relative. I am as pure as a babe compared to my nemesis and yet rotting like decaying flesh compared to my friends. I am like the dust of the earth in comparison to my love. Unworthy to do anything beyond clinging to the bottom of his shoes; sullying them with my presence. I try so hard to be worth more, but it seems so impossible. I have been cultivated for one thing and one thing only. I am to be an assassin and sacrifice. I will either do or die. I wish I could have a future beyond that, but who keeps a used and worn tool?

xoxo

I've sought him out again. I watch him discreetly from the other side of the library. His presence calms me. I feel better with him in my sights. He is working diligently at his homework. I think he's working on Professor Flitwick's essay on the difference between cheering charms and confounding spells. Charms is his worst subject, so hopefully I'll be able to bask in his presence a little bit longer.

He glances up and locks gazes with me for a moment. I quickly tear myself away from his hypnotizing eyes and start to study my notes in earnest. This almost never happened and always made me nervous when it did. I'll have to just enjoy distant company and forgo watching him. I am slowly drawn into my studies and become unaware of anything beyond the words on the page. He drifts to the back of my mind to be contemplated later.

xoxo

I am startled when I suddenly become aware of a presence behind me.

"You've been watching me... I already hold your heart. Perhaps it is time that I own your mind and body too. Would you be interested in an exchange, your mind and body for my heart?"

"Blaise," I whisper reverently.

I relax into his chest behind me. Finally I had someone to own me, to care for me, to make everything better. I won't be alone anymore.


End file.
